Being Needy and How It Will Ruin Your Relationship

Too much loving can’t be bad can it?

Understanding and Overcoming Neediness in Relationships

Have you ever been told that you’re too needy? Has your current or a past partner ever accused you of being clingy or dependent? While your intentions may be entirely good, being too needy in a relationship is anything but that.

Neediness is an excessive need for acceptance or affection that results in a person repeatedly becoming overly attached to people and depending on them too much.

Being Needy and How It Will Ruin Your Relationship, Needy



An insecure attachment is often the culprit behind clinginess in relationships, according to relationship expert Jaime Bronstein, LCSW. “It occurs because the person fears that they will be abandoned in some way or unloved, and it most often stems from childhood and their relationship (or lack of relationship) with one or both parents,” she says.

“In addition, an insecure attachment style can develop from previous romantic relationships if the person felt like they weren’t prioritized or didn’t receive enough attention or love from their significant other.”

Love often blurs the lines between partners resulting in couples laughing at the same jokes, doing the same things, sharing activities and even finishing each other’s sentences.

The elation caused from the feelings of belonging and being loved may be intoxicating, however that comes to a sudden halt with the utterance of the simple phrase “I need a bit of space”. The words drop and our whole world is put into chaos. Were we the only ones who felt that way? How could they say such a thing to me? Was I wrong this whole time?

Understanding the Signs of Clingy Behavior



“It is important to distinguish having needs from being needy,” says Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D, a licensed psychologist focused on improving relationships.

“Having a need for acceptance and affection is part of being human and is part of what drives people to want close relationships.

There is nothing wrong with it, but some people don’t feel comforted or reassured when someone shows caring, so they keep reaching out for more and become needy.”

Many clingy behaviors are fear-based, adds Bronstein, and can often be a response to past experiences with a parent or ex-partner who was unreliable or inconsistent with their words or actions. Whatever the cause, there are some clear signs of clingy behavior, including:

  1. Not giving your partner space or alone time, especially if they have specifically requested it
  2. Calling or texting your SO nonstop when you’re not together
  3. Panicking if your partner does not respond to your texts or calls
  4. Monitoring your partner’s behavior on social media
  5. Feeling threatened by your partner’s friends or coworkers of the opposite sex
  6. Attempting to rush into a more serious relationship
  7. Deceptively creating an image of yourself that your partner finds attractive
  8. Trying to force a partner to love you
  9. Attempting to earn someone’s love by doing things they like (and abandoning yourself in the process)
  10. Asking for reassurance often or frequently asking your partner if they love you
  11. Being constantly on the lookout for being rejected or betrayed
  12. Controlling behaviors, such as wanting to track your significant other’s location on your phone

If you find yourself, your partner, or someone you know engaging in any or all of these behaviors, it’s a sign of relationship insecurity and clinginess.

“Someone who loves themselves and feels confident in themselves and the relationship will be able to be apart and not worry,” says Bronstein.

“They will feel inner peace and stability whether they are with their significant other or not.” Conversely, someone who is needy in their relationship will experience anxiety over their partner’s commitment to them.

In some cases, the behavior may stem from your partner giving you a significant reason to worry by betraying you in the past through cheating, philandering, or otherwise. “In that case, I suggest that you work through the trust issue with a therapist, counselor, or coach, because it’s not healthy to be in a relationship that doesn’t have trust coming from both parties,” says Bronstein.

How to Stop Being Clingy in Your Relationship

  1. Put Down the Phone


If you tend to be the needy type, you may be used to constantly contacting your partner throughout the day. Whether via text, talking on the phone, or sending pictures, articles, and emails, your

days might consist of endless conversations back and forth. However, this can quickly become overwhelming for both you and your partner. Instead, try setting limits on how often you communicate. Practice being patient and allowing your partner to respond in their own time, rather than bombarding them with more messages.

  1. Foster Independence


One of the most effective ways to overcome neediness in a relationship is to foster a sense of independence in both yourself and your partner. Encourage each other to pursue individual hobbies, interests, and friendships. By allowing each other the space and freedom to grow, you can create a stronger foundation for your relationship.

  1. Build Self-Confidence


Clinginess often stems from a lack of self-confidence. Work on boosting your self-esteem by focusing on your strengths and accomplishments.

Try activities that make you feel good about yourself. Exercise, creative projects, or volunteering all can work wonders for your self esteem meaning you’ll be less likely to seek validation from your partner.

  1. Develop a Support System


Relying solely on your partner for emotional support can put a lot of strain on your relationship. Make an effort to develop a strong support system outside of your partnership. Cultivate close friendships, join clubs or groups, or seek out support from a therapist or counselor. By spreading your emotional needs among multiple people, you’ll ease the burden on your relationship.

  1. Communicate Your Needs


It’s important to be open and honest about your needs in a relationship, but make sure you’re not placing unrealistic expectations on your partner. Discuss what you need from them and be willing to compromise. Remember that your partner has their own needs, and it’s important to strike a balance that works for both of you.

  1. Address Underlying Issues


If your clinginess is the result of past trauma, abandonment, or other unresolved issues, it’s crucial to address these problems. Work with a therapist or counselor to explore the root causes of your neediness and develop coping strategies to overcome them.

  1. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion


Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep-breathing exercises, can help you become more aware of your emotions and thought patterns. As you develop a greater understanding of your inner world, you’ll be better equipped to manage your feelings of neediness. Additionally, practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, even when you struggle.

  1. Set Boundaries


Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining a balanced relationship. Talk with your partner about what you both consider to be reasonable boundaries in terms of communication, time spent together, and personal space. By establishing clear guidelines, you’ll be better able to navigate your relationship without becoming overly clingy.

By recognizing the signs of neediness and taking proactive steps to address them, you can foster a healthier, more balanced relationship. Remember that it’s normal to have needs and to rely on your partner for support, but it’s essential to strike a balance that allows both of you to maintain your individuality and independence. With time, effort, and patience, you can overcome clinginess and build a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Recommended:

Do you Have a Toxic Relationship? How To Know and 5 Ways To Leave


The Difference Between Love and Needy Obsession


To understand the difference between healthy love and a needy obsession, we have to look within. It is typical for us to learn what sort of relationships we are going to have from our parents. In the typical “monkey see monkey do” we learn from how they act rather than what they say, in particular how they treated us. If we were coddled and lavished over suddenly that is what we expect in our relationships moving forward, however in contrast if we were exposed to obsessive or neediness then that is likely to become our go to.

In the relationship itself, the line between love and suffocation is thinner than you would think. Of course, some people’s tolerance to love is different to others meaning what one person would find great another would find terrible but usually our need to rely more and more on the other comes from us not being able to rely on ourselves. Co- dependent relationships usually follow this formula, where one is dependent on the other for something which in a toxic way can work.

Work, that is, as in lingers – and it can last as long as the people in it can. Still, the line is thin and staying on the right side of it takes observation and care. By understanding where your partner is and seeing how your behaviour affects them, it is easier to keep a track of what is going on in the relationship. 

What causes neediness in relationships?

Neediness often stems from insecurities, childhood experiences, previous romantic relationships, or an excessive need for acceptance and affection. It is generally rooted in fear and anxiety over potential abandonment or feelings of being unloved.

How can I recognize needy behavior in myself or my partner?

Some signs of clingy behavior include not giving your partner space, constantly contacting them when you’re apart, feeling threatened by their friends or coworkers, controlling behaviors, and frequently seeking reassurance. Recognizing these behaviors in yourself or your partner is the first step to addressing neediness.

What can I do to stop being needy in my relationship?

To stop being needy, focus on building your self-esteem, pursuing your own passions, giving your partner space, working on trust issues, and addressing jealousy. Also, maintain open communication with your partner and establish healthy boundaries.

How can I better understand my partner’s needs and love language?

Talk to your partner about their preferences and love language, and be open to their unique ways of expressing love and affection. Recognize that everyone has different ways of showing love, and try to be receptive to your partner’s expressions.

Why is it important to have a support system outside of my romantic relationship?

Having a support system outside of your romantic relationship helps build self-confidence, provides a sense of belonging, and can serve as a healthy outlet for emotions and stress. It also prevents you from relying solely on your partner for emotional support, which can contribute to needy behavior.

How can setting boundaries help me become less needy in my relationship?

Establishing and respecting boundaries communicates that you have an awareness of your own needs and identity outside of a relationship and value them. It sets the tone for how you expect others to treat you and provides insight and empathy for any boundaries your partner may have. This helps in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship, reducing the chances of clingy behavior.

The Bottom Line

Overcoming neediness in a relationship requires self-awareness, communication, and personal growth.

By identifying the root causes of your clingy behavior and actively working on improving your self-esteem, developing your own interests, and respecting your partner’s boundaries, you can create a more fulfilling and balanced relationship.

Remember to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and concerns and to seek support from friends, family, and professionals when needed. It may take time and effort, but the rewards of a healthier, more secure relationship are well worth the investment.

It is almost certain that well before the cries of “I can’t breath” took place, there would have been very obvious signs. Often these are displayed with a freezing up to your touch, an overreaction to your usual commentary or similar scenarios. Love is built on mutual respect and care for one another. If you are unsure, it is infinitely better to test the waters with a simple motherhood statement “I am so happy, I hope you are too” and wait for the response. You will, very clearly and definitively know how they’re feeling by their reaction.

Be proactive and don’t leave a question unanswered, as you may not be happy with the result. So observe your partner, ask questions if you have to, the worst case scenario is that they will think you care about them.    

With all of this in mind, it is important to remember that people are human and therefore, more often than not, unpredictable. Just because one day your partner acts like you are a bit too much doesn’t mean you necessarily have to tone it down. They might have had a bad day and haven’t got the energy they otherwise would. Always try to have an open dialogue with your partner so that you can see any potential crisis coming well in advance so that you can deal with it together.

References

  1. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.
  2. Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.
  3. Firestone, L., & Catlett, J. (2013). The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation. New York: Routledge.
  4. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony.
  5. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
  6. Markway, B. G., & Ampel, C. (2018). The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Building Social Confidence: Using Compassion-Focused Therapy to Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications.
  7. Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow.
  8. Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York: HarperCollins.
  9. Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships. Encinitas: PuddleDancer Press.
  10. Teyber, E., & McClure, F. H. (2016). Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model. Boston: Cengage Learning.

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