The 7 Tells Of A Cheating Partner
... and 3 ways to stop the urges in yourself.
Infidelity 21st Dec, 2020
It is important to remember that people in most relationships stay faithful. That said, adultery is not new to us, it’s mentioned in many of the major religious texts as a sin. Try not to get paranoid and read too much into a partner doing one or two of the tells below, however. Most people do some of these all the time, it does not mean they are cheating .
Alternatively, if either your partner, or a friend’s partner, has done four or more, perhaps it is time to have a couples chat. It could be that they are overworked, depressed or anxious and just need a little help. Perhaps they are taking you for granted but infidelity has never crossed their minds. In the case that they have done several of the things below, if you are nervous about having a conversation or have met defensive resistance, you could check when you think they are lying. Proceed with caution however as their discovery of your investigations (particularly if they’re innocent) could have unpleasant, unexpected consequences.
A sudden increase in business trips, or visits to family that require an overnight stay, could indicate an affair. It is possible to check up on this, however, as mentioned above, only do so if your partner is doing most of the things on this list.
Staying At Work Late:
If your partner has always stayed late, or has a one off/seasonal project that keeps them at work, it is likely you have nothing to worry about. If they suddenly have project after project on the go that requires them to be in the office it could however be a sign. If possible, pop in and surprise them with a coffee and pastry one evening. This may help you see if it is innocent behavior or not.
There is an excellent country song by the UK based Ward Thomas about guilty flowers. As the title implies, someone is given flowers because their partner feels guilty about cheating on them. Most flowers, however, are bought from love, not guilt. Unexplained spending, or gifts you never see (bought through a joint account), are more telling signs.
Avoiding Eye Contact/Lies:
Unless it is a white lie (‘no honey, your bum does not look big in that’) most people can not make eye contact when they lie. You may even catch them out in a lie that they get defensive about and can’t really explain. Whether it is about cheating or something else entirely it is often wise to get to the bottom of a lie, except for ones surrounding birthdays, Christmas, or other religious celebrations.
Whether it’s a secret Twitter or email account you stumble across, a series of unexplained missed calls from an unknown number, or coded messages, clandestine behaviour (excluding celebratory circumstances) is a definite tell.
Slow Sex Life:
All relationships go through sex life cycles. When you are both busy/stressed/down/anxious, you probably have, or make, less time for sex. This is completely normal, so less sex is only a tell in combination with other signs on this list.
New Exercise Regime Or Clothes:
If your partner’s gym or fitness regime increases in frequency or intensity, or you notice more attentive grooming, this could be to impress someone other than yourself. Alternatively, they may have simply decided to be more self-attentive. A celebratory compliment and a chat may reveal which is the case.
The signs below are a guide. Your greatest strength is your own intuition. Try not to jump to conclusions. You can generally tell when something is wrong, or you are being lied to, so talk with your partner. You may find it has nothing to do with you. Either way, discovering the truth is far better than the alternative.
3 Ways To Stop Your Adulterous Urges:
Everyone is attracted to people outside their relationship, from your celebrity crush, to your sister-in-laws cousin whom you met once at a wedding and never saw again. The danger occurs when healthy attraction becomes an unhealthy fantasy. If this happens to you then something is going on. This article may help you pin it down and find some peace.
Take Stock Of Your Relationship:
Have a good, hard look at yourself and your partner. Does that once adorable habit of theirs now make you want to scream and throw things? Add in how much or little you have in common, or spend time together, now compared to before you were attracted to someone new. If you have children, perhaps the daily demands of raising them has driven you apart. Do you spend any time together just as a couple, not as a family?
All of these things can be addressed, and your relationship can blossom again, if you put the work in. That irritating habit could cycle round to become adorable again. If absence is not making the heart grow fonder, think about how you used to spend time together. Simple dates like trips to the movies are perfect. Consider starting them up again.
Are you still attracted to your partner? If not, why not? Think about what attracted you to them in the first place. If that is still there then perhaps the relationship is worth saving.
Understand That Great Relationships Can Fail:
Despite your, and their, best intentions sometimes relationships fall apart. Distance, self-discovery, personal sexual development or the realisation of an extended intimate absence can all be factors. Although a lot of relationships tend to end in drama, some simply fizzle out without much fanfare at all. If the latter happens to you, think long and hard about what you want to do. Sometimes it’s possible to reignite that spark between you, but you have to want it and work for it.
Be Brutally Honest With Yourself:
Think about why you are attracted to someone else. Have you been a little low or has your partner neglected you? Perhaps you are simply thinking about cheating because someone is soothing this hurt you have been carrying around. Talking to your partner could completely change your perspective. Maybe this new person is someone you consider to be out of your league and they are stroking your ego because they are gorgeous/younger, or the like. If that is the case, you need to look at improving your self confidence in other ways. If the issue is within, then this new person will only appear to fix your problem, it will come back to haunt you until you address the root cause.
Regardless of how thrilling the thought is, or even that first kiss, ultimately adultery is not worth the pain and grief you cause to your partner and yourself. Be brave, evaluate your relationship and decide what you want to do. If you want to reignite the spark with your current partner, speak with them about the problems with you/them/your life. Alternatively, if you realise the love has gone, then end the relationship. Either way, understand that infidelity is a symptom of a failing relationship, not the cause and walk away from all the guilt and harm that follows cheating.